LETTING GO OF 2014

A few weeks ago, I thought about this blog.  Earlier in the year I had promised myself that I would make it an annual thing.  But this past year was a bit rough and I found myself seriously wondering; ‘did I learn anything this year?’ There is always a lesson in life but sometimes we have to remember to stop and let it sink in…

This coming year, I anticipate some significant changes to take place not just in my life but also around my life.  I would be lying if I said that I was totally prepared.  In a way, it’s very scary knowing that things will change.  It’s scary not knowing how much more you can take.  But over the past few years I learned that the only real courage comes from facing our own fears.  That moment when you realize that things weren’t as scary as you imagined or that you weren’t as weak as you thought you would be, is priceless. 

I will also be taking these valuable lessons from 2014 to 2015:

1.  There is always a lesson in life, but sometimes we have to remember to stop and let it sink in. (Yes, I just said that.)

MY PERFECT PERFECT

Signage for perfect

No one's perfect.  But why not try to be?

To be flawed in theory means that we possess characteristics that prevent perfection.  Perfection, theoretically, is to exist without flaw. And, again theoretically, we are all imperfect because we are
human.  Theoretically.  Realistically, however, we are imperfect because we do not strive for perfection.  We don't strive for it because, for the most part, we believe that no person should be or is capable of becoming perfect.

The fact that we are able to recognize our flaws shows that we are aware of our perfect selves. But defining perfection may be a more complicated problem.  Most of us live by some standard of morality - it may be religious, political, spiritual, scientific or some other cosmopolitan view.  Our personal convictions, more often than not, also often matches that of other individuals in our communities.  While community mindedness has it's usefulness in personal development, when it comes to making conscious decisions, it has the potential to become self destructive.  What I may view as perfect, others may beg to differ.  And with so many definitions of standards, morality and perfection to start with, whose ideologies can be trusted?  So in a sense, when we adopt the principal that 'no one is perfect,' what we are really doing, is refusing to give effort.

My perfect, is effort.

Conditioning the mind to believe that it is acceptable to be imperfect is the same as conditioning the mind to believe that perfection is unacceptable.

Why do we like to shy away from perfection? For the most part, fear, shame and the fear of being shamed.  Or in other words...we lack conviction.  Fear causes us to hide our core desires when we are certain that our communities will not accept them. Shame happens when we recognize that our actions were unacceptable - not by someone else's standard, but by our own standards. Generally, anything that is deemed unacceptable is shamed.  We are harsher judges of ourselves than we are of other people.  So the only thing that really keeps us from perfection, is ourselves.

Ironically; the first step in changing anything is changing the way we think about it and admittedly; it is rather daunting to think of changing the way we think of things that we hardly ever think of to start with.  Personally, I like to start with a question.

Question is: What does perfect really mean to you?

"All that we are is the result of what we have thought.

The mind is everything.

What we think, we become."

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FINDING BALANCE

"…a disposition to behave in the right manner and as a mean between extremes of deficiency and excess, which are vices…" ~ Official definition of Aristotle's theory of virtue

[Musings]

We find that the purpose of desire is to find fulfilment.  

If greed is a vice, then how could pleasure be called a virtue?  

And the sacchariferous climax of fulfillment—however brief, however fleeting—can also be easily mistaken for happiness.  So what is virtue?

There is an absolute power, above that of human existence.  Whether it is a god or anything else; our existence pivots at this median.  

It is a point that we can neither reach nor change because its purpose is balance and therefore,   it must remain constant.  
For the need of pleasure and fulfilment, we cannot judge ourselves...
because we will not know how to find the balance between the virtue and the vice.

LETTING GO OF SILENCE

Even with my closest friends and confidants, I do not like to lay my emotions on the line or wear my heart on my sleeve, so to speak. I have been hurt many times. Beaten, broken, let down and disregarded more times and in more ways than I care to recount in full.  But I still believe in love, I still believe in humanity and I still believe in the beauty that we rarely see around us. I believe in these things because despite all the ugly I've seen in my life I've also seen the beauty.  The people closest to me will tell you that I am a straightforward and rational person with little tolerance for frivolous things. This is how I protect my heart - my heart being the gentle pieces of me that break so easily - my defence mechanism is logic and reasoning.

Scream

I started blogging as a way of dealing with a very tough heartbreak that I've had. I needed to say things.  Not intimate details of my life - not anything particular at all.  Just things really.  Because there's something about silence.  There's something about the feeling you get when you say things and no one listens.  I often imagine that it would be the same as if you were floating in the middle of an ocean on a calm day; the surface placid as glass; the sun beaming down; the waters coolly caressing your tired body.  Then you scream so loud and so long that it begins to hurt.  And you see yourself screaming and you feel yourself screaming, but you can't hear yourself screaming.  And although you know that no one else is there to hear you, the thing that really hurts the most is that you can't hear yourself screaming.  And somehow ahead of the fear of being lost at sea for all eternity; there lives a fear that the silence will kill you.

My older brother passed away two years ago this summer.  The pain and loneliness of that loss was almost too much to bare.  There was hardly anyone to talk to about it - my family was hurting too, and it seemed every time I brought it up the conversations quickly turned into a back and forth about who missed him most - so that became frivolous.  My friends, for the most part, simply didn't know what to say.  And I quickly began to feel burdened by even the thought of sharing my pain; so I let it go.  The average person on the street always made pointless remarks..."It's gonna be ok."  "Worst things could happen."  "Dying is a part of living."

Did you know that the worst advice that you can give a person who has a problem, is anything cliche?  There is a trove of truth in cliches but still no sincerity.  I've grown to despise them these past two years.

I started wondering what the point of life is if I; a woman with few friends, two children and nothing much else in this life; could be so unworthy to God that He would take such a big part of me so easily. When others have so much to give; why would He take from me the little that I had? I tried to convince myself that God had a special plan. That He was preparing me for the greatest victory of my life. That He would never put more on me than I could bare.  I tell myself this constantly but I can't say honestly that I believe it.  I've had to fight so many battles and if no one else, my brother was the one who fought beside me.

I was depressed and my life started to fall apart. Other troubles started to appear - on top of the troubles that were there before my brother passed.  People started walking out.  The person that I was dating at the time told me plainly that my life was just too much for him to deal with.  I became even more depressed.

One day I was just sitting there, staring blindly into space without thinking of anything.  And I looked at my children and I imagined their life without me - because I sincerely wanted to die.  I wasn't happy with what I saw and it made me realize that these children were my purpose in life.  I looked at the darkness, the pain and the emptiness in my heart and I knew that that pain was nothing compared to what it would be if I were to lose one of them.  And I knew also that I would suffer this pain a thousand times before I let one of my babies suffer it once.  I realized then that what I feel for them and what I felt for my brother is love, unconditionally. It cannot die.

And from this knowing...my journey began...

***********************

What inspired this post is a private message that I received in response to something I recently posted in social media.  Recently, I've been trying my best to be unshrouded because I believe that nakedness helps to rebuild a broken heart.  How so?...Because I no longer waste effort, energy and time stacking skeletons into my closet.  It's part of my journey in becoming a better person.  I was asked the question; 'what do you know about struggle.' That made me smile.  Funny thing is, everything that I write is written from a point of struggle.  Everything that I talk about; I've been through.  Writing is my way of facing down the demons that are ever present in my life.  I've made the choice to not allow the things that have hurt me in the past continue to hurt me now or in the future.  Secrets are powerful.  And so I lay my past bare so that it has no power over me.  I refrain from assuming the secrets of others.  I never read words and see only black and white.  Because I imagine that every mind and every heart is so simply complicated...just like mine.

I know what it feels like to be lost and confused.
I understand what the sister felt like who longed only to touch the hem of Christ's garment.  It is not an empowering feeling nor a glorious one.  It is a feeling of desperation.  It is an unholy and undesirable feeling.  The kind of feeling you get when you are no longer able to define your existence.  The kind of feeling you get when your only hope comes from believing that some how, there must be hope.
And I know what it feels like to have the need to say something - anything - to someone - anyone - who is willing to listen - not a pretend kind of listen, but a real and heartfelt listen.

But what I've come to learn is that I can't wait for someone to listen.
What I've come to learn is the wisdom in the words of Maya Angelou...

"Listen to yourself, and in that quietude, you might hear the voice of God."

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TRUTH IS

"The truth does not hurt, it simply sets us free."

Sitting here thinking of the many voices in my head - of all the things I want to say - and I realize that the best choice I have ever made in my life is to grow...

Truth is constant. It is the unchanging result of circumstance. It can be argued, altered or hidden but it will always remain the same. Regardless of what we add, it will be no more - regardless of what we remove, it will be no less. And whether we choose to accept it or deny it, it will always define us as it is.

I look at my life and find contentment that I am moving forward and truly learning moment by moment how to let go of the things that have held me down for so long. I remember several years ago a friend of mine had advised me that I need to find a way out of the rut that was my life at the time. I was insulted. As far as I was concerned back then, I couldn't help where I was. Life was simply a struggle for me. I never asked for hardship. Well, life is still a struggle. But I realize now that there is a difference in not wanting to fail and not allowing myself to fail.

Through my journey of introspection, one of the most valuable lessons that I have learned is that the value in truth is immeasurable. We do not always like the truth and we do not always believe the truth. But in truth there is to be found a glory that cannot be defined with comfort nor courtesy. There is no point in moving forward without truth.

Truth is, my life is more unsavory today than it was back when I received said advice but with one major difference: I understand the world more in truth than I had that day. I don't know how far the day is when I am able to say that I've let go of everything that hurts me. But today I can say, I'm truthfully ready to try.

I am free!

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EASY LOVE

Somehow I realize that the easiest love of all

Is to not love at all

But to reserve my heart for me and be selfish

To not give anything

Not expect anything

To not hope or have faith

The easiest love is to just let time be

To not try for much

To not strive for much

To be willing to sacrifice anything that anyone else has

Somehow I realize that the easiest love is best for me

Better to live without doubt

Live without spite or jealousy or mistrust

To live without need

Without desire

To exist perfectly

And flawlessly

According to me

To live without love is to be free.

Free of heart break

Free of pain

Free of desperation

Somehow I realize that maybe love

Was simply not meant for me

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MY WEIGHT IN GOLD

This morning, a feature at MSN.com is HOW TV SHOWS HIDE STAR PREGNANCIES. 

As I scroll through the article, I am humored not only by some of the gimmicks but also by the fact that with certain shows; like Sex In The City, Friends and Seinfeld; I’ve actually been a fan long enough to remember the times when the leading ladies were preggers. 

Kerry Washington "Scandal"

Sarah Jessica Parker "Sex in the City"

But alas, as it often does, my mind began to wonder toward past experiences and—of course—extraneous circumstance…

The women that were featured in this particular article are all well know and well liked and although in many instances their pregnancies did not fit their ‘character’, they were none the less embraced by their adoring fans.  But for the average professional woman, it rarely works that way.  In terms of our careers, pregnancies are often viewed as unsavory set backs—particularly the maternity leave period.  Our dependability and efficiency are automatically questioned.  And pregnancy, in allot of cases becomes a scapegoat for not performing at our optimum.  But if multimillion dollar studios can work around a pregnancy; for an employee whose performance is 100% about being visible; what separates these women from the average woman? 

THE SNAKE

Sitting under a tree, deep in thought on a quiet morning, I heard a rustling noise above me.  I’m accustomed to birds playing in the tree so I paid it no mind.  Much to my surprise, moments later, something falls out of the tree onto my back.  I hear it land onto the wooden bench with a ‘thud.’  I jumped up—startled—and turned around expecting to see an injured bird.  Much to my surprise, and horror, I found instead a snake!

Now, not to be misleading, there are no poisonous snake species currently known in The Bahamas.  The snake was a racer.  Racers eat lizards, frogs, mice, other insects or even smaller snake species.  They are commonly referred to locally as garden snakes, because it’s not uncommon to find them hiding among leafy, low laying plants; particularly during the spring and summer months.

None the less; I’ve never been fond of nor fascinated with snakes and I was sufficiently frightened.  Apparently, so was the usually docile, two foot critter; as he opened his toothless jaws to hiss his warnings at me!  I didn’t dare move.  After a moments’ long stare-down, he dropped to his belly and slithered away.  It took me another moment or two to compose myself.  And I had to move away from the grassy area in an attempt to gather my sanity.

WHEN ARE WE SILENT

Allot of times, complete strangers would approach me, proceed to telling me their personal dilemmas, and ask for my advice.  I couldn't honestly guess why this happens to me so often.  Truth be told, I'm not a very good advice giver.  I rarely "say the right thing."  I often just bellow what I think is most appropriate in relation to a person’s given situations.  I find it challenging to generalize conclusions based on personal circumstance and I have a very serious disposition with cloaking reality.

I can't decide if it's a selfish way of thinking that leads me to believe that when such things happen, the universe is trying to teach me a lesson.  Or, it may also be that I just have one of ‘those’ faces and it’s purely coincidental that I happen to be around when a person needs someone to talk to.

In a sense, it scares me when people do this.  I think that this fear is caused mostly by my inhibited character.  For me, personally, to randomly tell a person with whom I’m familiar—much less a complete stranger—my personal problems, I would have to feel very desperate about solving them.  I understand that some people have little to no inhabitations regarding their personal life, but in whole, the concept is very difficult for me to grasp.  None the less, advice seekers seem to flock to me.

DRUNK IN WHAT? (Mild language)

Perspective…as in: What you sippin on?

Perspective is a very serious thing.  In order to maintain balance in a healthy mind, we need to understand how to weigh perspective.

‘Popular culture’ is not really my stick.  Even still, in a recent forum I almost got tricked into defending (gasps) Beyonce.  Loll.  I’m not even a fan of hers…anymore.  But here was this guy, making the most uncalled for and unnecessarily derogatory comments to the point that I actually felt insulted as a woman and a mother to be in his virtual presence.  I have a hard time deciding whether or not people honestly believe that the media is the primary source of moral decay in our society.  Personally, I believe that humankind is the cause for the moral decay of society.  In my view, it doesn’t matter what band wagon you jump on…a band wagon is a band wagon.  And the fact that you have to wait for someone else to form an opinion (i.e. a band wagon) before you decide to have one is of no greater value than not having an opinion at all.  I believe that when a person stands up for something, at the very least, we should try to make sense of our conviction. 

Now, about Beyonce’s last album; yes, it was nasty as hell.  Yes, the messages she convey with her lyrics as well as in her videos, as a matter of principal, are inappropriate for a respectable lady, wife and mother to publicize.  Of course, that’s argumentative depending upon one’s personal perspective of respectability.  But at the end of the day, the woman is an entertainer…she’s out there trying to make some money.  It doesn't matter if she's wrong or right; sex sells.  The odd thing about consumerism is that you can’t force a person to buy something that they’re not willing to pay for.   Some people are slaves to popular culture while others are intent on being slaves to opposing popular culture.  There's no such truth as a lesser of two evils.

A NOTE FROM THE DESK OF THE VALENTINE GRINCH

What a wonderful time of year!

A time to celebrate love and lovers and for the few traditional among us, a time to celebrate the works of good ole St. Valentine!...

Unless of course, you’re me, the Grinch of Valentines Day...

In which case…you despise the notion entirely!

But instead of boring you with an insightful prose on how superfluous and ridiculous this non-holiday is, I would instead like to take the time to share with you the little known story of the origin of the Valentines day bear—which is something most people probably never think about on account of the fact that no one really cares. 

You see, the tale began a long, long time ago; in a land far, far away, where things that might have happened may have happened; or were probably never really probable; but it never even mattered…

It was the beginning of the year, near the end of winter – and at the precipice of the dawning of spring!  In a cave or cavern somewhere, that no one can prove existed, we find a pair of darling lovers had spent a long, cold winter wrapped up in each others warmth—mostly because they had a morbid fear of going out doors and freezing to death.  For the same reason, they decided not to point out each to the other that they were gaining weight.  They agreed that exclusively for this time of year, they would refer to each other's girth as 'cuddly.'  So for three months, the lady bear inhaled her mate’s odors, picked up his trash from the floor and scrubbed his filthy socks that he had gone an entire week without changing.  And as she had done so, she lividly grumbled and complained in a tone as nagging as the raging winter itself!  He had bothered to take a bath precisely the amount of times that she had bothered to wash her hair…approximately every two weeks…well, it was very cold after all!

So entwined in their mutual disgust of the existence of the other they were, that their still beating hearts began to symbolically emerge from their chest and declare in writing that; ‘for me to have endured this harsh winter locked away with the despicable likes of you, surely the only plausible explanation must be that “I LOVE YOU.”’  (Of course, overtime, that expression was condensed, summarized, and/or manipulated in a misleading sort of way to suit the perspective of the interpretator.)  Then, just when they thought that their heads would explode due to over consumption of chocolate (I guess that was all they could find to forage that year) they looked up at the calendar and saw that it was February the 14^th.  In that fateful and magical moment, they were reminded that no matter how asphyxiated they had become by their lover’s morning breath, they would, in just a few days be free to run as wild as the blooming of spring itself!

The male bear (because he was the one 'in charge') decided to call that day Valentines day, saying that it was symbolic of the most gruesome love triangle ever: "you, me and us."  It reminded the lovers that there was always hope…of escaping the metaphoric jaws of death.  So they decided to mark the occasion by having the male bear purchase an expensive piece of jewelry for the female bear…because she had a va-j-j; and he didn’t!  Which really wasn’t her fault at all! 

The end!...True story too!

The Ambivalence of Truth & Reality

...As told ambiguously by an optimistic hermit of pessimisms... 

Conventional wisdom teaches us that we don’t have to make our own mistakes to learn.  Every waking moment is an opportunity to absorb someone else’s disarticulations, miscalculations, misjudgments or miscalculated lack of articulated judgment.  And yes, it’s perfectly acceptable to learn from other people’s mistakes…unless of course…

”You think you’re better than others”…? 

I take it with good humor, that people use this expression so frequently.  Whether they use it correctly or not; is an entirely different subject.

Our most humanly and incredulous nature leads us to believe that our biggest critics (aka. my haters—another subject on its own) will never know what it’s like ‘to walk a mile in my shoes.’  Meaning, that they will never understand the challenges I face. 

The Rise of The #HashTag Monster!

...Or should I say; #THERISEOFTHEHASHTAGMONSTER!

Borrowed From Vulcan Post.

#

They were first introduced by Twitter (the micro blog site) to encourage users to seek out like minded tweeters to follow.  Like many popular features of social networking, the #hashtag transcended beyond twitter into other social networks such as Face book and Google+ and made its mark as a staple among social network tools.  Dare I say, unfortunately so!

 #

In case you were unaware; when you #hashtag a word or phrase on any social media site that uses them, it becomes a link.  When you click on the link, you are directedto the most resent uses of that #hashtag.  The idea behind it is to encourage social behavior on social networks.  By searching a #hashtag, you are able to find other people with similar interest. 

Contrary to what appears to be popular belief, #hashtags are NOT the cool new way to write EVERYTHING!

Letting Go of 2013

As the journey of a new year begins, I take the time to reflect on my past; the things I’ve lost, and the things I’ve gained.  Moving forward, it is my hope that both will lead me ultimately to where I want to be…despite the fact that I am not able to thoroughly define where that place is at this time.

Nearly two years ago, in February of 2011, I made a choice to become a better person.  Not for myself, but for my children.  I am a single mother, who was raised by a poor single mother, who was also born to a poor single mother.  I am not proud of my heritage.  Therefore, I do not wish the same for my daughters.  They say that this life I live is an endless cycle but I am determined to break this cycle so that my daughters may have an opportunity to start a new one.  And so, I have embarked on a journey of introspection, focusing on meditation and philosophy, to help me to better understand how I may achieve my goal.

Spam Wishers...

So, I had someone ask me, “Why do you always have to ‘interrogate’people about PTC sites (Pay To Click), you do know that most of them are real, right?”

First of all; please don’t ever fool yourself into believing that most PTC sites are real, that is absolutely false!  Second of all; I have nothing against PTC sites; there are some fairly reasonable to excellent ones out there.  I do, however, strongly oppose persons foolishly chasing every PTC rainbow they see…and submitting my email and or any other personal information about me to random websites.  That is a very bad practice.  And unfortunately, sometimes our bad practices deflect upon others.

Here are the top three reasons why I interrogate you:

The Quest For a Better Me

For some time now, I've been convincing myself that I really want to be a "better person." The big question is though; What exactly does it mean to be a better person? I think the most acurate answer is...that depends on who you ask! Lol. 

 Just so we're perfectly clear, I'm not here to give advice. In fact, I should probably be he last person you seek for advice. The wake of my life is sufficiently marred with enough mistakes to prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that I'm just trying to figure it out as I move along. As you will learn in the future by my writing trends, I'm just thinking out loud here. It helps sometimes when you hear yourself say things......