Letting go of 2015

Sometimes it's necessary to take a step back in order to move forward. As time rolls on, it's important to know that no matter where we are, we've come from some place else.

I will also be taking these valuable lessons into 2016...

1) Don't get caught up in things that don't matter and especially with things that will not likely ever matter. Like another person's choice of words, for example. Many times, when we argue with others, we are arguing the same principle from different perspectives using different words or different experiences. Therefore, many times when we argue, we do so redundantly. It is important to be mindful of this because being understood naturally comes with a certain level of comfort. So if we misunderstand when we are being understood, we cause ourselves unnecessary grief. Understand? Lol.

2) Wait to be asked for personal advice. Often times, when a person is going through a particular situation - especially if it is something we've already conquered on our own journey - it is easy to fall into giving advice without being asked. This can cause resentment at worst and a useless prattling at best. It's better to allow individuals to grow at their own pace. Because that's the only pace that each of us can grow at. This is particularly hard to accept when someone we care about is in the habit of engaging in reckless behavior that can cause harm to themselves or the people around them. While it is perfectly acceptable to be a deterrent in such cases when the occasion calls for it, it is also important to accept that that person will not change until the time comes in their life when they are ready for change. There's no way around that. Good advice on deaf ears is nothing more than useless advice.

3) Be silent, be still. Maya Angelou's infamous last tweet was; "Listen to yourself. And in that quietude you might hear the voice of God."

4) Don't be afraid to face failure. This is something I struggle with. But I spend a tremendous amount of time meditating on it still. It plays into our nature of personal accountability. Most of us have dreams, goals and aspirations. And sometimes, we fail to meet deadlines. That's life. Missing a deadline is a tough pill to swallow but it's not the end of the world. We can't let go of something that we refuse to accept.

5) Don't wait for what's done in the dark to come to light. Take control of the shadows.

6) We receive unto ourselves as we are. February of 2016 will make 5 years that I've been on my personal journey of introspection. One life lesson that I'm working on embracing - that I will perhaps spend the remainder of my existence here on earth accepting - is that I alone am responsible for my existence. The circumstances surrounding my existence and the consequences of all of my actions are my sole responsibility. I often speak of personal accountability, and day by day I am learning that it can be deeper and more controversial than simply said. Its very tempting, possibly because it is sometimes easy, to pass the blame of negative things to others. But when all is said and done, we have the freedom to choose. Choice is a very powerful entitlement. Everything we are and everything we do begins with a choice including how we play the hand we're dealt in life.

Life hasn't gotten any easier or simpler these past few years. And I'm learning more day by day that easier and better are two different things. Somedays, looking inside myself is a struggle. And I sometimes wonder if the time will I ever come when I don't cringe at some things I find there. But that's fine. There are things that appear to not have evolved and there are also things that appear to have vanished completely. And as I reflect on time, I realise--that without having realised--the caos that was once inside of me, became peace.

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You may also like to read:

Letting go of 2013

Letting go of 2014 

Letting go of Silence

FINDING BALANCE

"…a disposition to behave in the right manner and as a mean between extremes of deficiency and excess, which are vices…" ~ Official definition of Aristotle's theory of virtue

[Musings]

We find that the purpose of desire is to find fulfilment.  

If greed is a vice, then how could pleasure be called a virtue?  

And the sacchariferous climax of fulfillment—however brief, however fleeting—can also be easily mistaken for happiness.  So what is virtue?

There is an absolute power, above that of human existence.  Whether it is a god or anything else; our existence pivots at this median.  

It is a point that we can neither reach nor change because its purpose is balance and therefore,   it must remain constant.  
For the need of pleasure and fulfilment, we cannot judge ourselves...
because we will not know how to find the balance between the virtue and the vice.

LETTING GO OF SILENCE

Even with my closest friends and confidants, I do not like to lay my emotions on the line or wear my heart on my sleeve, so to speak. I have been hurt many times. Beaten, broken, let down and disregarded more times and in more ways than I care to recount in full.  But I still believe in love, I still believe in humanity and I still believe in the beauty that we rarely see around us. I believe in these things because despite all the ugly I've seen in my life I've also seen the beauty.  The people closest to me will tell you that I am a straightforward and rational person with little tolerance for frivolous things. This is how I protect my heart - my heart being the gentle pieces of me that break so easily - my defence mechanism is logic and reasoning.

Scream

I started blogging as a way of dealing with a very tough heartbreak that I've had. I needed to say things.  Not intimate details of my life - not anything particular at all.  Just things really.  Because there's something about silence.  There's something about the feeling you get when you say things and no one listens.  I often imagine that it would be the same as if you were floating in the middle of an ocean on a calm day; the surface placid as glass; the sun beaming down; the waters coolly caressing your tired body.  Then you scream so loud and so long that it begins to hurt.  And you see yourself screaming and you feel yourself screaming, but you can't hear yourself screaming.  And although you know that no one else is there to hear you, the thing that really hurts the most is that you can't hear yourself screaming.  And somehow ahead of the fear of being lost at sea for all eternity; there lives a fear that the silence will kill you.

My older brother passed away two years ago this summer.  The pain and loneliness of that loss was almost too much to bare.  There was hardly anyone to talk to about it - my family was hurting too, and it seemed every time I brought it up the conversations quickly turned into a back and forth about who missed him most - so that became frivolous.  My friends, for the most part, simply didn't know what to say.  And I quickly began to feel burdened by even the thought of sharing my pain; so I let it go.  The average person on the street always made pointless remarks..."It's gonna be ok."  "Worst things could happen."  "Dying is a part of living."

Did you know that the worst advice that you can give a person who has a problem, is anything cliche?  There is a trove of truth in cliches but still no sincerity.  I've grown to despise them these past two years.

I started wondering what the point of life is if I; a woman with few friends, two children and nothing much else in this life; could be so unworthy to God that He would take such a big part of me so easily. When others have so much to give; why would He take from me the little that I had? I tried to convince myself that God had a special plan. That He was preparing me for the greatest victory of my life. That He would never put more on me than I could bare.  I tell myself this constantly but I can't say honestly that I believe it.  I've had to fight so many battles and if no one else, my brother was the one who fought beside me.

I was depressed and my life started to fall apart. Other troubles started to appear - on top of the troubles that were there before my brother passed.  People started walking out.  The person that I was dating at the time told me plainly that my life was just too much for him to deal with.  I became even more depressed.

One day I was just sitting there, staring blindly into space without thinking of anything.  And I looked at my children and I imagined their life without me - because I sincerely wanted to die.  I wasn't happy with what I saw and it made me realize that these children were my purpose in life.  I looked at the darkness, the pain and the emptiness in my heart and I knew that that pain was nothing compared to what it would be if I were to lose one of them.  And I knew also that I would suffer this pain a thousand times before I let one of my babies suffer it once.  I realized then that what I feel for them and what I felt for my brother is love, unconditionally. It cannot die.

And from this knowing...my journey began...

***********************

What inspired this post is a private message that I received in response to something I recently posted in social media.  Recently, I've been trying my best to be unshrouded because I believe that nakedness helps to rebuild a broken heart.  How so?...Because I no longer waste effort, energy and time stacking skeletons into my closet.  It's part of my journey in becoming a better person.  I was asked the question; 'what do you know about struggle.' That made me smile.  Funny thing is, everything that I write is written from a point of struggle.  Everything that I talk about; I've been through.  Writing is my way of facing down the demons that are ever present in my life.  I've made the choice to not allow the things that have hurt me in the past continue to hurt me now or in the future.  Secrets are powerful.  And so I lay my past bare so that it has no power over me.  I refrain from assuming the secrets of others.  I never read words and see only black and white.  Because I imagine that every mind and every heart is so simply complicated...just like mine.

I know what it feels like to be lost and confused.
I understand what the sister felt like who longed only to touch the hem of Christ's garment.  It is not an empowering feeling nor a glorious one.  It is a feeling of desperation.  It is an unholy and undesirable feeling.  The kind of feeling you get when you are no longer able to define your existence.  The kind of feeling you get when your only hope comes from believing that some how, there must be hope.
And I know what it feels like to have the need to say something - anything - to someone - anyone - who is willing to listen - not a pretend kind of listen, but a real and heartfelt listen.

But what I've come to learn is that I can't wait for someone to listen.
What I've come to learn is the wisdom in the words of Maya Angelou...

"Listen to yourself, and in that quietude, you might hear the voice of God."

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TRUTH IS

"The truth does not hurt, it simply sets us free."

Sitting here thinking of the many voices in my head - of all the things I want to say - and I realize that the best choice I have ever made in my life is to grow...

Truth is constant. It is the unchanging result of circumstance. It can be argued, altered or hidden but it will always remain the same. Regardless of what we add, it will be no more - regardless of what we remove, it will be no less. And whether we choose to accept it or deny it, it will always define us as it is.

I look at my life and find contentment that I am moving forward and truly learning moment by moment how to let go of the things that have held me down for so long. I remember several years ago a friend of mine had advised me that I need to find a way out of the rut that was my life at the time. I was insulted. As far as I was concerned back then, I couldn't help where I was. Life was simply a struggle for me. I never asked for hardship. Well, life is still a struggle. But I realize now that there is a difference in not wanting to fail and not allowing myself to fail.

Through my journey of introspection, one of the most valuable lessons that I have learned is that the value in truth is immeasurable. We do not always like the truth and we do not always believe the truth. But in truth there is to be found a glory that cannot be defined with comfort nor courtesy. There is no point in moving forward without truth.

Truth is, my life is more unsavory today than it was back when I received said advice but with one major difference: I understand the world more in truth than I had that day. I don't know how far the day is when I am able to say that I've let go of everything that hurts me. But today I can say, I'm truthfully ready to try.

I am free!

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EASY LOVE

Somehow I realize that the easiest love of all

Is to not love at all

But to reserve my heart for me and be selfish

To not give anything

Not expect anything

To not hope or have faith

The easiest love is to just let time be

To not try for much

To not strive for much

To be willing to sacrifice anything that anyone else has

Somehow I realize that the easiest love is best for me

Better to live without doubt

Live without spite or jealousy or mistrust

To live without need

Without desire

To exist perfectly

And flawlessly

According to me

To live without love is to be free.

Free of heart break

Free of pain

Free of desperation

Somehow I realize that maybe love

Was simply not meant for me

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MY WEIGHT IN GOLD

This morning, a feature at MSN.com is HOW TV SHOWS HIDE STAR PREGNANCIES. 

As I scroll through the article, I am humored not only by some of the gimmicks but also by the fact that with certain shows; like Sex In The City, Friends and Seinfeld; I’ve actually been a fan long enough to remember the times when the leading ladies were preggers. 

Kerry Washington "Scandal"

Sarah Jessica Parker "Sex in the City"

But alas, as it often does, my mind began to wonder toward past experiences and—of course—extraneous circumstance…

The women that were featured in this particular article are all well know and well liked and although in many instances their pregnancies did not fit their ‘character’, they were none the less embraced by their adoring fans.  But for the average professional woman, it rarely works that way.  In terms of our careers, pregnancies are often viewed as unsavory set backs—particularly the maternity leave period.  Our dependability and efficiency are automatically questioned.  And pregnancy, in allot of cases becomes a scapegoat for not performing at our optimum.  But if multimillion dollar studios can work around a pregnancy; for an employee whose performance is 100% about being visible; what separates these women from the average woman? 

I ASKED GOD...

I asked God for the strength to face the adversities in my life—He supplied me with more adversities because I am not yet as strong as I can be.

I asked God for the courage to face the challenges in my life—He supplied me with more challenges because I am not yet as brave as I can be.

I asked God to give me the faith to always believe that He alone can save me—He gave me the wisdom to know that there are times when I must save myself.

I asked God to teach me the value of every moment and every breath—He called away those whom I have loved.

I asked God for someone to talk to—He sent me no one, so that I may learn to speak with Him.

I asked God to carry me through my hard times—He reminded me of where I’ve come from then showed me again where I am now.

I cried to God to please lift my burdens—He did not.

And I remembered that God will never put more on me than I can bear.

And so I rejoice—even in sorrow—because I know now that where there is darkness, there can be light.   

Psalms 46:1

God is my refuge and my strength, a very present help in the time of trouble.

#TGFL

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Letting Go of 2013

As the journey of a new year begins, I take the time to reflect on my past; the things I’ve lost, and the things I’ve gained.  Moving forward, it is my hope that both will lead me ultimately to where I want to be…despite the fact that I am not able to thoroughly define where that place is at this time.

Nearly two years ago, in February of 2011, I made a choice to become a better person.  Not for myself, but for my children.  I am a single mother, who was raised by a poor single mother, who was also born to a poor single mother.  I am not proud of my heritage.  Therefore, I do not wish the same for my daughters.  They say that this life I live is an endless cycle but I am determined to break this cycle so that my daughters may have an opportunity to start a new one.  And so, I have embarked on a journey of introspection, focusing on meditation and philosophy, to help me to better understand how I may achieve my goal.

Thank You!!

Today is the day to give thanks.  

Most days, as I scroll through my Tl (and the streets in general) the consensus is, thank God for Life, for another day, for waking me up this morning.  But I wonder, do we ever really thank God for life?  Or do we insult him for it?

For example, you probably passed quite a number of people on your way to work this morning – other motorists, pedestrians, persons at the place you stopped for breakfast, the gas station, etc., etc. – but how many of those persons did you say ‘good morning’ to?  How many of those persons did you give a smile to? Lend a hand to? Show some other seemingly insignificant and fleeting gesture or word of well intention?   Probably very few, if any. 

Did Christ knock this morning?  Did you turn him away?  Did you tell him “IDGAF…NO NEW FRIENDS!!”?

How many persons had ever stopped to think, that every other person you meet on your way,

Mission: Rescue Humanity

Persecution - Irving Norman 1950. Oil on canvas.

As I look around...on the streets, on face book and other social media I note with a taste of sorrow that people are growing weary of people.  The anger and the hate is wearing us all down I see.  Do you know that hatred and anger are of the devil?  Even if you do not believe in God Almighty, do you know that the prayers you send out feed the deity that accepts them?  Or, the kind of energy you give off expands around you?  So when you act with anger and hatred, you are not only causing it to grow and fester among your 'enemies', but within yourself as well.

Often times, we look at our lives when we are in a bad situation and we tell ourselves that we don't deserve to be here.  But how often is that sincerely true?  How many Jobs’ walk among us?  By every principal - religious or not - everything comes full circle -- even the long arm of the law.  At any given moment, it is easy to respond to the negative vibes that others give out with negativity. And while we may feel vindicated in doing so at the time,

The Power of Prayer

  I’m not super duper religious—never have been. Being raised in a Christian home however, I believe in God Almighty. I believe that God is our creator, He is our provider, our protector and our guide through life—if we allow Him to be. And I believe in the power of prayer. 

 To be perfectly honest, I pray perhaps once every other day. But it is said that the Father

The Quest For a Better Me

For some time now, I've been convincing myself that I really want to be a "better person." The big question is though; What exactly does it mean to be a better person? I think the most acurate answer is...that depends on who you ask! Lol. 

 Just so we're perfectly clear, I'm not here to give advice. In fact, I should probably be he last person you seek for advice. The wake of my life is sufficiently marred with enough mistakes to prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that I'm just trying to figure it out as I move along. As you will learn in the future by my writing trends, I'm just thinking out loud here. It helps sometimes when you hear yourself say things...... 

Changing Faces

Humans can be very exhusting.  My life over the past few years has gone through many phases.  Some brought on by the unexpected (life's little curve balls) - some by the expected (ie. the arrogance, darkness and cruelty of other people's hearts) - and some by my own stupidity (yes, I just said that).  With all the ups and downs in my life, I'm now at a point where I feel that I've been shaken (not stirred) to my core.  I'm very big on introspection and through adversity I always try my best to see the "Silver lining" or the "BIGGER PICTURE." lol. Neither of which is pretty sometimes!  Recently I realised, allot of the troubles I've seen could have been avoided had I just had the courage to let go of certain things/ people in my life early on.

Seems strange right?...The thought that you would need courage to 'give-up.'  Well you do.  Because when the things/ people that you've become accustomed to have run their way