LETTING GO OF 2014

A few weeks ago, I thought about this blog.  Earlier in the year I had promised myself that I would make it an annual thing.  But this past year was a bit rough and I found myself seriously wondering; ‘did I learn anything this year?’ There is always a lesson in life but sometimes we have to remember to stop and let it sink in…

This coming year, I anticipate some significant changes to take place not just in my life but also around my life.  I would be lying if I said that I was totally prepared.  In a way, it’s very scary knowing that things will change.  It’s scary not knowing how much more you can take.  But over the past few years I learned that the only real courage comes from facing our own fears.  That moment when you realize that things weren’t as scary as you imagined or that you weren’t as weak as you thought you would be, is priceless. 

I will also be taking these valuable lessons from 2014 to 2015:

1.  There is always a lesson in life, but sometimes we have to remember to stop and let it sink in. (Yes, I just said that.)

Happy Holiday

Here's to wishing all those who celebrate in the Christmas holiday; a very happy and prosperous holiday!

Here's to those who do not celebrate in the Christmas holiday; may the warmth and cheer of the season fill you none the less!

Here's to those who hold sacred, the birth of The Christ; may his spirit be with you as he fills your lives!

May we all have the heart to love and the words to care, regardless of our belief.

May we remember to be our brother's keeper

and may we learn together that compassion has no season.

May we learn together, to give of ourselves while asking nothing in return

so that we may better understand selflessness.

May we learn to see the humor in all the silly things around us.

But more importantly, may we learn to laugh at ourselves.

And may we continue to defend those who cannot defend themselves.

If you move by faith, be blessed.

If you move by fate, good luck.

If you march to your own drum, be safe.

May your hearts overflow like your glasses as you celebrate!

May your home be stuffed like your turkey!

And may your memories be as sweet as your cookies!

Happy Holiday to all!

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Where Strength Lies

My life is such that I often wonder how some people would get by without me. When its broken, I fix it. When its empty, I fill it. I carry the weight and take the responsibility when things go wrong. I do so silently without asking anything in return because I've learned to accept that some people simply don't know how to do it on their own.

This is my love: I don't say, I do.

But sometimes the strong isn't always so strong and sometimes the brave isn't always so fearless. It angers me sometimes that if I were to die today or tomorrow, these people would weep over my grave. But I am here, now, today, in this moment, where my name is called mostly when I'm needed. And my biggest fear is that tomorrow, I may not care so much to stand in someone else's shadow. That's when they start to hate you...I've seen it many times.

No matter how much pride you have, always recognise who is on your side. People get so caught up in the sound of words that they weigh them carelessly. When we go to battle, we face forward. But when the smoke clears and your enemy is no longer before you; look behind you. So the next time you fight and loose, you'll understand better exactly what it is you've lost.

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MY PERFECT PERFECT

Signage for perfect

No one's perfect.  But why not try to be?

To be flawed in theory means that we possess characteristics that prevent perfection.  Perfection, theoretically, is to exist without flaw. And, again theoretically, we are all imperfect because we are
human.  Theoretically.  Realistically, however, we are imperfect because we do not strive for perfection.  We don't strive for it because, for the most part, we believe that no person should be or is capable of becoming perfect.

The fact that we are able to recognize our flaws shows that we are aware of our perfect selves. But defining perfection may be a more complicated problem.  Most of us live by some standard of morality - it may be religious, political, spiritual, scientific or some other cosmopolitan view.  Our personal convictions, more often than not, also often matches that of other individuals in our communities.  While community mindedness has it's usefulness in personal development, when it comes to making conscious decisions, it has the potential to become self destructive.  What I may view as perfect, others may beg to differ.  And with so many definitions of standards, morality and perfection to start with, whose ideologies can be trusted?  So in a sense, when we adopt the principal that 'no one is perfect,' what we are really doing, is refusing to give effort.

My perfect, is effort.

Conditioning the mind to believe that it is acceptable to be imperfect is the same as conditioning the mind to believe that perfection is unacceptable.

Why do we like to shy away from perfection? For the most part, fear, shame and the fear of being shamed.  Or in other words...we lack conviction.  Fear causes us to hide our core desires when we are certain that our communities will not accept them. Shame happens when we recognize that our actions were unacceptable - not by someone else's standard, but by our own standards. Generally, anything that is deemed unacceptable is shamed.  We are harsher judges of ourselves than we are of other people.  So the only thing that really keeps us from perfection, is ourselves.

Ironically; the first step in changing anything is changing the way we think about it and admittedly; it is rather daunting to think of changing the way we think of things that we hardly ever think of to start with.  Personally, I like to start with a question.

Question is: What does perfect really mean to you?

"All that we are is the result of what we have thought.

The mind is everything.

What we think, we become."

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FINDING BALANCE

"…a disposition to behave in the right manner and as a mean between extremes of deficiency and excess, which are vices…" ~ Official definition of Aristotle's theory of virtue

[Musings]

We find that the purpose of desire is to find fulfilment.  

If greed is a vice, then how could pleasure be called a virtue?  

And the sacchariferous climax of fulfillment—however brief, however fleeting—can also be easily mistaken for happiness.  So what is virtue?

There is an absolute power, above that of human existence.  Whether it is a god or anything else; our existence pivots at this median.  

It is a point that we can neither reach nor change because its purpose is balance and therefore,   it must remain constant.  
For the need of pleasure and fulfilment, we cannot judge ourselves...
because we will not know how to find the balance between the virtue and the vice.

DEFINING GOD

An ode to all the hearts we meet as we journey to discover The Meaning of Life!

God's Child

Once upon a time; God was - or so I assume.

But today, maybe he is...maybe he isn't - evidently.

How does one define life?

How does one define God?

How does one define life without God?

God, biblically, is the alpha and the omega, the beginning and the end, the first and the last. 

To me, he is the universe, love and life itself. 

Which means, to me, that whatever our purpose in life is, we must know God to define it. 

And to know God we must know humanity, because we are made in the image of God. 

Which would mean also that everything that we are is God. 

So the way to know him is also in knowing ourselves. 

Which in turn would mean that a life without God is nothing. 

And the face of God is every face we see. 

So how can we love God who is beyond us, and not love our brother who is beside us?

This is...if God is.

If God is not...then what is life?  What is love?  What is infinity?

Easily defined...is easily found...easily found is easily lost.

But the human element is not easily defined.

Yet...easily lost.

And yet again...not easily found.

So how do we define God?

We must first define life.

Or perhaps; we first define God and then we define life...

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LETTING GO OF SILENCE

Even with my closest friends and confidants, I do not like to lay my emotions on the line or wear my heart on my sleeve, so to speak. I have been hurt many times. Beaten, broken, let down and disregarded more times and in more ways than I care to recount in full.  But I still believe in love, I still believe in humanity and I still believe in the beauty that we rarely see around us. I believe in these things because despite all the ugly I've seen in my life I've also seen the beauty.  The people closest to me will tell you that I am a straightforward and rational person with little tolerance for frivolous things. This is how I protect my heart - my heart being the gentle pieces of me that break so easily - my defence mechanism is logic and reasoning.

Scream

I started blogging as a way of dealing with a very tough heartbreak that I've had. I needed to say things.  Not intimate details of my life - not anything particular at all.  Just things really.  Because there's something about silence.  There's something about the feeling you get when you say things and no one listens.  I often imagine that it would be the same as if you were floating in the middle of an ocean on a calm day; the surface placid as glass; the sun beaming down; the waters coolly caressing your tired body.  Then you scream so loud and so long that it begins to hurt.  And you see yourself screaming and you feel yourself screaming, but you can't hear yourself screaming.  And although you know that no one else is there to hear you, the thing that really hurts the most is that you can't hear yourself screaming.  And somehow ahead of the fear of being lost at sea for all eternity; there lives a fear that the silence will kill you.

My older brother passed away two years ago this summer.  The pain and loneliness of that loss was almost too much to bare.  There was hardly anyone to talk to about it - my family was hurting too, and it seemed every time I brought it up the conversations quickly turned into a back and forth about who missed him most - so that became frivolous.  My friends, for the most part, simply didn't know what to say.  And I quickly began to feel burdened by even the thought of sharing my pain; so I let it go.  The average person on the street always made pointless remarks..."It's gonna be ok."  "Worst things could happen."  "Dying is a part of living."

Did you know that the worst advice that you can give a person who has a problem, is anything cliche?  There is a trove of truth in cliches but still no sincerity.  I've grown to despise them these past two years.

I started wondering what the point of life is if I; a woman with few friends, two children and nothing much else in this life; could be so unworthy to God that He would take such a big part of me so easily. When others have so much to give; why would He take from me the little that I had? I tried to convince myself that God had a special plan. That He was preparing me for the greatest victory of my life. That He would never put more on me than I could bare.  I tell myself this constantly but I can't say honestly that I believe it.  I've had to fight so many battles and if no one else, my brother was the one who fought beside me.

I was depressed and my life started to fall apart. Other troubles started to appear - on top of the troubles that were there before my brother passed.  People started walking out.  The person that I was dating at the time told me plainly that my life was just too much for him to deal with.  I became even more depressed.

One day I was just sitting there, staring blindly into space without thinking of anything.  And I looked at my children and I imagined their life without me - because I sincerely wanted to die.  I wasn't happy with what I saw and it made me realize that these children were my purpose in life.  I looked at the darkness, the pain and the emptiness in my heart and I knew that that pain was nothing compared to what it would be if I were to lose one of them.  And I knew also that I would suffer this pain a thousand times before I let one of my babies suffer it once.  I realized then that what I feel for them and what I felt for my brother is love, unconditionally. It cannot die.

And from this knowing...my journey began...

***********************

What inspired this post is a private message that I received in response to something I recently posted in social media.  Recently, I've been trying my best to be unshrouded because I believe that nakedness helps to rebuild a broken heart.  How so?...Because I no longer waste effort, energy and time stacking skeletons into my closet.  It's part of my journey in becoming a better person.  I was asked the question; 'what do you know about struggle.' That made me smile.  Funny thing is, everything that I write is written from a point of struggle.  Everything that I talk about; I've been through.  Writing is my way of facing down the demons that are ever present in my life.  I've made the choice to not allow the things that have hurt me in the past continue to hurt me now or in the future.  Secrets are powerful.  And so I lay my past bare so that it has no power over me.  I refrain from assuming the secrets of others.  I never read words and see only black and white.  Because I imagine that every mind and every heart is so simply complicated...just like mine.

I know what it feels like to be lost and confused.
I understand what the sister felt like who longed only to touch the hem of Christ's garment.  It is not an empowering feeling nor a glorious one.  It is a feeling of desperation.  It is an unholy and undesirable feeling.  The kind of feeling you get when you are no longer able to define your existence.  The kind of feeling you get when your only hope comes from believing that some how, there must be hope.
And I know what it feels like to have the need to say something - anything - to someone - anyone - who is willing to listen - not a pretend kind of listen, but a real and heartfelt listen.

But what I've come to learn is that I can't wait for someone to listen.
What I've come to learn is the wisdom in the words of Maya Angelou...

"Listen to yourself, and in that quietude, you might hear the voice of God."

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TRUTH IS

"The truth does not hurt, it simply sets us free."

Sitting here thinking of the many voices in my head - of all the things I want to say - and I realize that the best choice I have ever made in my life is to grow...

Truth is constant. It is the unchanging result of circumstance. It can be argued, altered or hidden but it will always remain the same. Regardless of what we add, it will be no more - regardless of what we remove, it will be no less. And whether we choose to accept it or deny it, it will always define us as it is.

I look at my life and find contentment that I am moving forward and truly learning moment by moment how to let go of the things that have held me down for so long. I remember several years ago a friend of mine had advised me that I need to find a way out of the rut that was my life at the time. I was insulted. As far as I was concerned back then, I couldn't help where I was. Life was simply a struggle for me. I never asked for hardship. Well, life is still a struggle. But I realize now that there is a difference in not wanting to fail and not allowing myself to fail.

Through my journey of introspection, one of the most valuable lessons that I have learned is that the value in truth is immeasurable. We do not always like the truth and we do not always believe the truth. But in truth there is to be found a glory that cannot be defined with comfort nor courtesy. There is no point in moving forward without truth.

Truth is, my life is more unsavory today than it was back when I received said advice but with one major difference: I understand the world more in truth than I had that day. I don't know how far the day is when I am able to say that I've let go of everything that hurts me. But today I can say, I'm truthfully ready to try.

I am free!

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PAINFULLY STILL

It's one of those moments where everything is perfectly still.

And you listen carefully to the sound of your breath, 

To see if it may be your last one.  

It doesn't matter which way is up or which way is down.  

It doesn't matter which way you go when you move.  

What's important is that you begin to move again.  

Because somehow, your heart has been frozen 

And it needs to beat again.  

It's important that you breathe again.

Because everything is so perfectly still...

You just don't know if you'll ever live again.

EASY LOVE

Somehow I realize that the easiest love of all

Is to not love at all

But to reserve my heart for me and be selfish

To not give anything

Not expect anything

To not hope or have faith

The easiest love is to just let time be

To not try for much

To not strive for much

To be willing to sacrifice anything that anyone else has

Somehow I realize that the easiest love is best for me

Better to live without doubt

Live without spite or jealousy or mistrust

To live without need

Without desire

To exist perfectly

And flawlessly

According to me

To live without love is to be free.

Free of heart break

Free of pain

Free of desperation

Somehow I realize that maybe love

Was simply not meant for me

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MY WEIGHT IN GOLD

This morning, a feature at MSN.com is HOW TV SHOWS HIDE STAR PREGNANCIES. 

As I scroll through the article, I am humored not only by some of the gimmicks but also by the fact that with certain shows; like Sex In The City, Friends and Seinfeld; I’ve actually been a fan long enough to remember the times when the leading ladies were preggers. 

Kerry Washington "Scandal"

Sarah Jessica Parker "Sex in the City"

But alas, as it often does, my mind began to wonder toward past experiences and—of course—extraneous circumstance…

The women that were featured in this particular article are all well know and well liked and although in many instances their pregnancies did not fit their ‘character’, they were none the less embraced by their adoring fans.  But for the average professional woman, it rarely works that way.  In terms of our careers, pregnancies are often viewed as unsavory set backs—particularly the maternity leave period.  Our dependability and efficiency are automatically questioned.  And pregnancy, in allot of cases becomes a scapegoat for not performing at our optimum.  But if multimillion dollar studios can work around a pregnancy; for an employee whose performance is 100% about being visible; what separates these women from the average woman? 

WHEN ARE WE SILENT

Allot of times, complete strangers would approach me, proceed to telling me their personal dilemmas, and ask for my advice.  I couldn't honestly guess why this happens to me so often.  Truth be told, I'm not a very good advice giver.  I rarely "say the right thing."  I often just bellow what I think is most appropriate in relation to a person’s given situations.  I find it challenging to generalize conclusions based on personal circumstance and I have a very serious disposition with cloaking reality.

I can't decide if it's a selfish way of thinking that leads me to believe that when such things happen, the universe is trying to teach me a lesson.  Or, it may also be that I just have one of ‘those’ faces and it’s purely coincidental that I happen to be around when a person needs someone to talk to.

In a sense, it scares me when people do this.  I think that this fear is caused mostly by my inhibited character.  For me, personally, to randomly tell a person with whom I’m familiar—much less a complete stranger—my personal problems, I would have to feel very desperate about solving them.  I understand that some people have little to no inhabitations regarding their personal life, but in whole, the concept is very difficult for me to grasp.  None the less, advice seekers seem to flock to me.

I ASKED GOD...

I asked God for the strength to face the adversities in my life—He supplied me with more adversities because I am not yet as strong as I can be.

I asked God for the courage to face the challenges in my life—He supplied me with more challenges because I am not yet as brave as I can be.

I asked God to give me the faith to always believe that He alone can save me—He gave me the wisdom to know that there are times when I must save myself.

I asked God to teach me the value of every moment and every breath—He called away those whom I have loved.

I asked God for someone to talk to—He sent me no one, so that I may learn to speak with Him.

I asked God to carry me through my hard times—He reminded me of where I’ve come from then showed me again where I am now.

I cried to God to please lift my burdens—He did not.

And I remembered that God will never put more on me than I can bear.

And so I rejoice—even in sorrow—because I know now that where there is darkness, there can be light.   

Psalms 46:1

God is my refuge and my strength, a very present help in the time of trouble.

#TGFL

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A NOTE FROM THE DESK OF THE VALENTINE GRINCH

What a wonderful time of year!

A time to celebrate love and lovers and for the few traditional among us, a time to celebrate the works of good ole St. Valentine!...

Unless of course, you’re me, the Grinch of Valentines Day...

In which case…you despise the notion entirely!

But instead of boring you with an insightful prose on how superfluous and ridiculous this non-holiday is, I would instead like to take the time to share with you the little known story of the origin of the Valentines day bear—which is something most people probably never think about on account of the fact that no one really cares. 

You see, the tale began a long, long time ago; in a land far, far away, where things that might have happened may have happened; or were probably never really probable; but it never even mattered…

It was the beginning of the year, near the end of winter – and at the precipice of the dawning of spring!  In a cave or cavern somewhere, that no one can prove existed, we find a pair of darling lovers had spent a long, cold winter wrapped up in each others warmth—mostly because they had a morbid fear of going out doors and freezing to death.  For the same reason, they decided not to point out each to the other that they were gaining weight.  They agreed that exclusively for this time of year, they would refer to each other's girth as 'cuddly.'  So for three months, the lady bear inhaled her mate’s odors, picked up his trash from the floor and scrubbed his filthy socks that he had gone an entire week without changing.  And as she had done so, she lividly grumbled and complained in a tone as nagging as the raging winter itself!  He had bothered to take a bath precisely the amount of times that she had bothered to wash her hair…approximately every two weeks…well, it was very cold after all!

So entwined in their mutual disgust of the existence of the other they were, that their still beating hearts began to symbolically emerge from their chest and declare in writing that; ‘for me to have endured this harsh winter locked away with the despicable likes of you, surely the only plausible explanation must be that “I LOVE YOU.”’  (Of course, overtime, that expression was condensed, summarized, and/or manipulated in a misleading sort of way to suit the perspective of the interpretator.)  Then, just when they thought that their heads would explode due to over consumption of chocolate (I guess that was all they could find to forage that year) they looked up at the calendar and saw that it was February the 14^th.  In that fateful and magical moment, they were reminded that no matter how asphyxiated they had become by their lover’s morning breath, they would, in just a few days be free to run as wild as the blooming of spring itself!

The male bear (because he was the one 'in charge') decided to call that day Valentines day, saying that it was symbolic of the most gruesome love triangle ever: "you, me and us."  It reminded the lovers that there was always hope…of escaping the metaphoric jaws of death.  So they decided to mark the occasion by having the male bear purchase an expensive piece of jewelry for the female bear…because she had a va-j-j; and he didn’t!  Which really wasn’t her fault at all! 

The end!...True story too!

The Rise of The #HashTag Monster!

...Or should I say; #THERISEOFTHEHASHTAGMONSTER!

Borrowed From Vulcan Post.

#

They were first introduced by Twitter (the micro blog site) to encourage users to seek out like minded tweeters to follow.  Like many popular features of social networking, the #hashtag transcended beyond twitter into other social networks such as Face book and Google+ and made its mark as a staple among social network tools.  Dare I say, unfortunately so!

 #

In case you were unaware; when you #hashtag a word or phrase on any social media site that uses them, it becomes a link.  When you click on the link, you are directedto the most resent uses of that #hashtag.  The idea behind it is to encourage social behavior on social networks.  By searching a #hashtag, you are able to find other people with similar interest. 

Contrary to what appears to be popular belief, #hashtags are NOT the cool new way to write EVERYTHING!

Beauty

Beau·ty  

/’byo-otē/

Noun: 1.     A combination of qualities, such as shape, color, or form that pleases the aesthetic senses, esp. the sight. 2.     A combination of qualities that pleases the intellect or moral sense.

Synonyms

loveliness - belle - pulchritude - fairness - prettiness

Totally random google searches led to totally random thoughts this morning:

Is beauty overrated?  By definition and in lieu of the fact that every individual’s intellect and moral senses

Fairy Tales

Supposedly; every girl dreams of a 'happily ever after.'  The thought quite literally disgusts allot of the females I know.  Not that I blame them.  The world we live in leaves very little room for women to dream of rainbows and butterflies – or retain hope that unicorns do exist.  It’s somewhat humorous in fact, when we take the time to explore the evolution of women’s suffrage and the things we left behind to gain the things we have. But that’s for another day. 

For the record, I most certainly believe in fairy tales. From the perspective of the very exhausting and challenging reality of today's hyper-evolving society however, it is not at all difficult to understand why so many assume that fairy tales are myths.  But evidently, that is only as true as we make it to be. 

The one common denomination in every fairy tale is that love triumphed where most would have expected it to fail.  That assumption pretty much generalizes every relationship in modern civilization!  Fitting our lives into the life of another with one common goal is no easy task.   A bigger problem is that most of us don’t even believe in love any more -

Changing Faces

Humans can be very exhusting.  My life over the past few years has gone through many phases.  Some brought on by the unexpected (life's little curve balls) - some by the expected (ie. the arrogance, darkness and cruelty of other people's hearts) - and some by my own stupidity (yes, I just said that).  With all the ups and downs in my life, I'm now at a point where I feel that I've been shaken (not stirred) to my core.  I'm very big on introspection and through adversity I always try my best to see the "Silver lining" or the "BIGGER PICTURE." lol. Neither of which is pretty sometimes!  Recently I realised, allot of the troubles I've seen could have been avoided had I just had the courage to let go of certain things/ people in my life early on.

Seems strange right?...The thought that you would need courage to 'give-up.'  Well you do.  Because when the things/ people that you've become accustomed to have run their way